Simple Definition for Christianity and Islam

I thought the following pair of definitions for two of the most prominent religions in the world, did a good job of putting each belief into proper perspective. I tweaked both slightly both otherwise, I take no credit for them.

Christianity

The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie, who existed before photography or video cameras, can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so that he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Makes perfect sense.

ISLAM

The belief that it is perfectly acceptable to rape children, beat your spouse, cut off the heads of disbelievers and throw stones at people’s faces until they die… all because some deluded bearded desert-dwelling dude who lived over 1400 years ago, spoke to a magical being in his head, and told you that it was his will.

Makes perfect sense.

 

18 thoughts on “Simple Definition for Christianity and Islam

  1. Lmao!!! Well put. What people are willing to believe and commit their lives to is utterly astounding. Thanks for sharing. I needed that.

  2. I’ll take to correcting this one as well.

    “cosmic Jewish zombie”

    There’s nothing ‘cosmic’ about Jesus. Perhaps if Christ was some intergalactic demi-god, this would make a bit of sense, but Jesus Christ does not exist anywhere in the cosmos (He is it’s creator, John 1:2), and hence cannot be ‘cosmic’. ‘Zombie’ is also inaccurate, as Jesus isn’t a zombie. A zombie is some undead rotting mindless human infected with some crazy disease that is out for your brain. Hence, Jesus isn’t a zombie. ‘Jewish’ is right, though.

    “that can make you live forever”

    Not exactly, you will inherit eternal life but definitely not on this Earth in its current state.

    “if you symbolically eat His flesh”

    No.

    “telepathically tell him”

    There is no telepathy in Christianity.

    Other errors;

    -“rib-woman”
    -sin described as an “evil force”
    -the tree in Eden described as “magical”

    I’ll rewrite the definition for you to completely correct it.

    “The belief that God Himself, who existed before everything else, can grant you eternal life if you believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, that He died for your sins and rose from the dead, so that he can take the punishment for your sins upon Himself, sin which originated in the beginning of humanity when Eve was convinced by a Satan to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

    Your welcome.

    • SC, you take yourself WAY too seriously. The above definitions for Christianity and Islam are tongue-n-cheek. While not theologically accurate, they entertain while making a point.

      • “SC, you take yourself WAY too seriously. The above definitions for Christianity and Islam are tongue-n-cheek.”

        While I won’t comment about the definition of Islam, the definition about Christianity is obviously fanciful, exaggerated fiction. You go on to admit the fiction is theologically malformed, hence pretty much conceding my point. The definition you posted was concoted out of the recesses of a skeptics mind.

        Interestingly enough, more then one can play this game.
        http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/608380/Atheism#e53d09_776657

  3. The post is poignant (for me) as it demonstrates, by virtue of a comical paraphrase, just how ridiculous both scenarios sound. Logan forgot to give his cosmic jew thread a bible verse so that there is an illusion of authoritative scripture for support. Both the post and the SC’s reply are hilarious.

      • As I mentioned, Logan’s post placed the concept of Christianity in perspective. I am always amused by how coy and smug believers are when addressing doubters. As a sixty year follower of Jesus, I finally came to a point where I recognized how I had spent a lifetime rationalizing its failures in my life. It is such a lie. In fact, I just finished a 250 book which addresess the falacious nature of scripture, as well as the counterfeit doctrines of inerrancy and authority that prop the Bible up. In unmasking the deceptive nature of the Bible and Christianity, I found a sense of peace that I had never experienced as an evangelical, born again believer. My new and real perspective allows me to see the cliche explanations used by you and other “defenders of the faith” as being just as comical as Logan’s post. The sad thing is that I was blinded from seeing truth for so many years. I truly threw my life away on nonesense.

        • A lie? Please outline the magnificent arguments from your decently sized 250-page book. I’ve dealt with a lot, much more than 250 pages in my research of the Bible and happily have not come to your conclusion.

          The post implied Einstein was an unbeliever in God, which I took to correct. Accusing me of being ‘smug’ is strange and you have misunderstood my intentions.

          “I threw my life away” — it’s not to late to get it back, just believe on Jesus and truly your life will be unending. But you probably know that. Your newfound peace is a temporary gift of this world.

        • Oh, please. I would never go back to such an oppressive life. Further, I don’t have to explain myself to you or anyone else. I realize your ego is ruffled, but get over it and go away.

        • You can’t get rid of a leech like me that easily, Dennis.

          Oppressive? The truth of Christ will set you free, not oppress you. For an argument proving this beyond a reasonable doubt (yes, that can be actually proven) watch this:

          Why isn’t it obvious Christianity is true to you?

        • I had understood that this website was for the encouragement of those of us who had been victimized by Christianity. I am not interested in arguing with those who have been infected with the ridiculous notion that some bastard kid from 2,000 years ago is the son of god. I had hoped to find solace here. Instead, nut-jobs for Jesus invade our reality and try to take away the peace we have achieved by accepting an objective view of the world we live in. Whether it be Muslim fanactics, Jehovah’s witnesses, or Christian zealots, there will always be spineless and needy creatures who cannot live life on life’s terms. What is worse is that they are compelled to force their primitive beliefs on the rest of us. Christians, and religions in general, are disturbed in a way that will never allow mankind to evolve beyond the limits they have prescribed for us. I am disappointed beyond words.

        • Dennis, I deeply appreciate your comments and please know that SC has proven himself to be quite the troll and is no longer welcome here to my site.

        • That’s good news. We need a safe place to go where our voice is understood and our values appreciated. Good riddance to SC.

  4. I might have said the deluded dude in the desert said a being in his head told him the same thing, but the road rules differed.

  5. Most people make fun of other religions and think that would show their superiority.
    it shows nothing but their arrogance and week understanding of both religion and philosophy.

    your religion/philosophy/world view what so ever is more sound then Christianity or Islam? Moral Ethics are never logical my friend, this is why nobody can study philosophy as we can study nature since. Some people think they could do philosophy like since or could make since their religion. But this only shows how stupid they are.

    moral, ethic, religion. Is about the question of the SENSE of the Univers and how we should act in it.
    If you ask yourself this question nature since and logic does not help a lot, because every sense is theoretical possible and every action of yours could be the right and every other action could be the wrong action. some people claim, they would not think like that, right wrong, good, evil, they would just act. but in fact this is wrong the brain the soul, the self, the what so ever is always thinking in alternatives and thinking it would have a free will do decide what to do and its is asking it self which action is the best.

    So if you want to make nature since your religion you can only about which action lead me to which result. Yani if I eat an apple I will feed my hunger. But if you ask yourself if the eating of an apple is allowed or if the killing of an animal to feed yourself or the killing of an human. than all your knowledge and logic does not help you. then they might say: it does, I can search wich food is most healthy, so I allow the healthy food and forbid the non healthy food. But what when medicine would find out that killing human is not unhealthy for you? Would you go and allow murder? You see, logic does not always help you. Then they say, if I allow murder, others will kill, I cant want that, so I do not allow it. But this is not always true, If I am strong enough I dont have to fear the week. And I could agree with the other strong that we only kill the week, as the so called civilized secular western world is doing. So you see, if you want to build up ethics on logic or since, you could have all possible different contradictional results. You think, there would be a common sense, who will lead logical people to the truth. But this common sense in only the tradition of cultural thinking of YOU society. The common sense as the name said differ from time to time and place to place and person to person. I will give you an example. A person think about a logic Basement for ethics. Then he say: All live desire to live aslong as it is alive. For that reason we should respect the Right of Live for all live. This is not logical, but religios! But this is the main argument behind the Human rights…

    Why? First I am not sure, if all all live desires to live. I for my self sometimes does not, but okay, lets say its true. That does not mean that everything has to right to live. Why I should respect the desire of everthink? I could also say, every live will die. thats more true then the first statement, because every live will die. So can say, every life dies, so lets kill everything, it will die anyhow? And then I make a dead cult, sacrificing people? I could if I want to, and there had been humans who did and do right now. Logic cant prove them wrong! If I want to say human rights are logic, then this is also logic. You got it? The problem is the linking from since to ethics, this is always a wrong linking. search about that in philosophy, you will find it.

    If you would have understood this. You would stop making fun about other beliefs and would start to use your logic in the right place. You have to discuss about the religion or belief itsself and if it is sound in itsself or not. Dont speak about the question if it is proven or not. religion and belief cant be proven. speak about the question if the rulings of this religion are sound. So e.a. If a Muslim is punishing others, then go and search why he is doing it, and search if that makes sense in HIS religion. If you then find it does not, then speak to the muslim and show him, that his actions are not making sense according his own religion. If people would do that, the world would be a much more better place.

    • There are so many misspelled and misused words in this post that we get an idea of the educational level of the author. Ironically, the attack on logic is an indication that he is, in fact, an illogical person. None of what is written makes sense. It is nothing more than the mindless ramblings of a lunitic. Enough said.

      • thats your level of intellect. if you dont have answeres you attack a person. I can speak 5 languages, so I am sorry English is not my first. Should we speak in german or arabic or turkish? and then I complain about your spelling? Also If I speak about thinks like that, I am tired to always check up my writhing, as you would be if you write arabic I think. poor world.

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