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Bible Stories as ‘Florida Man’ News Headlines – Hilarious!

Hemant Mehta recently published a post entitled The Bible Makes Way More Sense as a Series of “Florida Man” Stories.The content came from a Reddit thread, and it turned out to be comedy gold. Some of the creative headlines are laugh-out-loud funny, especially for those of us who are well versed in the stories from the Bible. I wanted to share my favorites (source link included), add a few edits and post a few of my own. Bible references also added.

Disoriented Florida man found on the beach claims to have spent the last three days in the stomach of a large fish. (Reddit link)  (Jonah 1)

Florida man paints door with sheep’s blood. Said it was to protect his first born son. Three days later, same man drags family through a river running from the authorities. Thousands of Floridians follow suit. Not heard from again for 40 years. (Reddit link) (Exodus 12)

Elderly Florida man builds large wooden boat in back yard. Claims catastrophic flood is imminent and suggests collecting animals from local zoo before all hell breaks loose.  (Genesis 6)

Florida man goes on roid rage and kills 100s with the jawbone of an ass, gets stripped of his manhood by Florida stripper. (Reddit link) (Judges 15)

Florida man caught with bag containing 200 foreskins of men from neighboring community. Reports indicate this is the same individual who killed local heavyweight celebrity by flinging pebble at his head several years ago as a teen. (Reddit link) (1 Samual 18)

Several Florida residents in Broward County report seeing dead bodies unearthed, climbing out of graveyard and heading into city. Witnesses were unwilling to share their names for fear of ridicule.  (Matt 27:51-53)

Two Florida women from Miami-Dade County fight over baby until local Florida man threatens to cut it in half. (Reddit link) (1 Kings 3:16–28)

Florida man claims superhuman strength until Florida woman cuts off his mullet. (Reddit link) (Judges 16)

Florida man, whose wife went missing, claims she “turned into something that looked like bath salts”. (Reddit link) (Genesis 19:26)

Florida man, whose wife was previously reported missing, escapes hometown fire with daughters who believe the world has ended. Daughters reportedly get same Florida man drunk and rape him in a cave in order to repopulate earth. More on this story at 11. (Genesis 19:30-38)

Neighbor claims Florida man burned his field down by tying foxes together and lighting them on fire. No indications on where man found 300 foxes apparently used for arson. (Judges 15:4)

Florida men try to build a tower to the heavens, but abandon project due to poor communication skills. (Reddit link) (Genesis 11:1-9)

Florida man tries to kill daughter-in-law for getting pregnant during sex work. Plot twist: he IS the father of her child! (Tamar & Judah, Genesis 38)

Florida man gets duped at wedding, discovers on wedding night he married fiancee’s sister (Jacob & Leah, Genesis 29)

Young Florida man begs half-sister to cook him pizza, then rapes her (Tamar & Amnon, 2 Samuel 13

Florida governor’s scheme to cover up sex scandal fails when local war hero refuses to sleep with his own wife; governor turns to murder. (Reddit link) (David, Bathsheba, and Uriah, 2 Samuel 11)

Son of Florida man impregnates his mother, claiming there were no other women available to date (Cain, Adam’s son, Genesis 4)

Elderly Florida man and new vineyard owner becomes intoxicated during taste testing, then curses son after night of naked stupor (Noah, Genesis 9)


Dear readers, any additions you’d like to add?


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