God's Greatest Hits

With thanks to friends on reddit (with a few of my own additions), here’s a satirical list of some of God’s Greatest Hits. Or put another way, welcome to the craziness of Christian fundamentalism. Warning: NSFW language follows.

• Yahweh is omnipotent. But rests on the 7th day of creating stuff.
• He demands Adam and Eve follow a rule which requires an understanding of right and wrong. He doesn’t give them the understanding of right and wrong to start with. He then punishes them for finally gaining that knowledge of right and wrong.
• Yahweh is praised for his infallible creation. The earth’s main light source gives cancer.
• He gives mankind “free will”. Next he tells man to “do exactly all that I tell you to do”.
• Yahweh decides to drown all of humanity. Then says, “Here, have a rainbow!”
• He puts a male g-spot up the ass. But says, “don’t be a homo”.
• Yahweh tells people his name. “Don’t you ever dare use it!”
• He sees how well humanity works together while sharing a single language. Decides to give them all different languages.
• Yahweh, the most powerful being in the universe, get’s in a wrestling match with an unsuspecting human (Jacob) in a stream. And loses.
• He kills Lot’s wife for looking backwards. Condones incest between Lot and his two daughters.
• Yahweh makes a wager with the devil over a man named Job. The man’s family is killed and the man tortured. Job keeps faith. Bet won.
• He convinces people that the earth is merely 6,000 years old, and then decides to really fuck with their minds by planting overwhelming evidence that the earth is actually billions of years old.
• Yahweh gives crazy hard pop quizzes and tests. Remember the holocaust?
• Noah’s son sees his father naked after a rowdy night of drinking. Decides to enslave an entire ethnic race because of it.
• Just to prove how gullible his creation can be, he makes a wager with the angels by saying, “I bet I can get those stupid fuckers to cut the tips of their penis off. Just watch…”
• Yahweh doesn’t kill pharaoh to free the Israelites. Too simple. Instead, kills every firstborn who did nothing wrong.
• God miracles 101: All the passengers die in a plane crash, except one.
• Yahweh’s incest porn habit. Watches Adam and Eve’s kids boink their brains out with each other to grow the population. Unsatisfied, God wipes ’em all out except for Noah’s sons and wives. New batch of incest porn ensues. Yahweh really gets into that shit.