Simple Definition for Christianity and Islam

I thought the following pair of definitions for two of the most prominent religions in the world, did a good job of putting each belief into proper perspective. I tweaked both slightly both otherwise, I take no credit for them.


The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie, who existed before photography or video cameras, can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so that he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Makes perfect sense.


The belief that it is perfectly acceptable to rape children, beat your spouse, cut off the heads of disbelievers and throw stones at people’s faces until they die… all because some deluded bearded desert-dwelling dude who lived over 1400 years ago, spoke to a magical being in his head, and told you that it was his will.

Makes perfect sense.



6 thoughts on “Simple Definition for Christianity and Islam

  1. I’ll take to correcting this one as well.

    “cosmic Jewish zombie”

    There’s nothing ‘cosmic’ about Jesus. Perhaps if Christ was some intergalactic demi-god, this would make a bit of sense, but Jesus Christ does not exist anywhere in the cosmos (He is it’s creator, John 1:2), and hence cannot be ‘cosmic’. ‘Zombie’ is also inaccurate, as Jesus isn’t a zombie. A zombie is some undead rotting mindless human infected with some crazy disease that is out for your brain. Hence, Jesus isn’t a zombie. ‘Jewish’ is right, though.

    “that can make you live forever”

    Not exactly, you will inherit eternal life but definitely not on this Earth in its current state.

    “if you symbolically eat His flesh”


    “telepathically tell him”

    There is no telepathy in Christianity.

    Other errors;

    -sin described as an “evil force”
    -the tree in Eden described as “magical”

    I’ll rewrite the definition for you to completely correct it.

    “The belief that God Himself, who existed before everything else, can grant you eternal life if you believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, that He died for your sins and rose from the dead, so that he can take the punishment for your sins upon Himself, sin which originated in the beginning of humanity when Eve was convinced by a Satan to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

    Your welcome.


    • SC, you take yourself WAY too seriously. The above definitions for Christianity and Islam are tongue-n-cheek. While not theologically accurate, they entertain while making a point.


  2. The post is poignant (for me) as it demonstrates, by virtue of a comical paraphrase, just how ridiculous both scenarios sound. Logan forgot to give his cosmic jew thread a bible verse so that there is an illusion of authoritative scripture for support. Both the post and the SC’s reply are hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

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